Furthermore... This is MY BLOG, it's not my real life, or my whole life, there's a lot, that you people don't really know about me. So don't go making assumptions, based solely on what you read or see here. In the end, I share what I want to share, when I want to share, and keep private what I want to be private...

Afterall... it's just a blog...

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Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Invisible Wall

I know you can't see it, I guarantee you it exists
It's a nice looking enclosure, I assure you
It wasn't always there though, was it?
It took an awfully long time to construct, didn't it?

What gall you have to ask of it's purpose!
The truth is, I should be giving you the recognition that you deserve
I started it's assembly when you took issue with my taste in song
That wound was deep, but it supported another row of bricks

The onslaught of abuse
I was a whore, I was a horrible mother
Thank you, for providing another line
The wall is towering now

I feel so warm and comfortable inside
I'm not letting you in
My soul is healing nicely now,
That you are on the outside

Friday, June 22, 2012

Lvl 6 True Seeing

I told myself, this would my last time putting pen to paper, recalling you.
There wasn't a need to expound... You understand.
I surmised, my quiescence would be an extravagant courtesy to you.
But we can both acknowledge that, that's mendacious.

I'm so tenacious now!
More tenacious, than you thought I'd be, aren't I?
You had preferred to have me stay in that vacuum a little longer...
But I knew it was time to make a break for it.

Down there, I was blind to everything...
Out, I now see everything, and it's all so exquisite.
The road ahead looks immeasurable...
As I traipse it alone.

Each tiptoe brings injury, far beyond the reach of my imagination.
Even so, I will never relinquish my capability to shout.
I will shout it from the rooftops, for her.
I refuse to be taciturn!

What had been four, turned to two...
Two became three, became two...
Nothing more, nothing less.
I have come full circle, haven't I?

Down there, I was blind to everything...
Out, I now see everything, and it's all so exquisite.
That road ahead looked immeasurable... But I can see it clearly now...
My future, where someone will walk it with me, side by side...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

J.aded, S.arcastic, and M.asterful

I fear that heaven isn't real
I wonder when it was
That I came to that realization
But I'm so proud to have been your girl

Having known you
Having loved you
Never having met you
Know that I will never forget you

Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes I think of you
Sometimes I've wanted to be with you
Where are you now?

The smallest thing stirs up memories
Even clichés and meaningless words
If they were shared between us
They hold significant meaning

Having known you
Having loved you
Having shared our secrets
Forever kept, I'll never tell

Having known you
Having loved you
Even though I may never see you again
I will never forget you

I lost my best friend Jason Scott Melton almost 3 years ago due to a terrible disease called Neurofibromatosis Type II... I can't believe it's been so long... I miss him so much sometimes I can't even put it into words... I loved him and I wish I could talk to him one more time... though honestly lol, I don't even know where I would start...There's so much I want to say to him...

Monday, June 18, 2012

One Heart

Have you ever had that one fleeting moment in your life
Where you could see how everything is going to be
How you just know that this is exactly how your life will turn out
I had that moment, I saw a life, with you

I had a feeling that you weren't ready
Perhaps it wasn't the right time to tell you
Maybe I shouldn't have opened up
I should have kept it all to myself

I fumbled to find the perfect words that night
I found myself stumbling over regrettable sentences
I didn't take a moment to stop and think
About how things never work out as I plan

I continue to tell myself, that I don't really care
I shouldn't have allowed myself to get so close
I continue to tell myself, that I am wrong about you
I shouldn't have allowed myself to love you

You don't see the differences do you?
The way we talk a little less
The silence a creeping march
That walks between our conversations

I wish I hadn't met you
So my heart would never know
The air of sweet promises, confusion, and silly hopes
So that it would never know, this ache for you

I continue to tell myself, I'll be better off, when it's over
I continue to tell myself, the pain will fade
Right now, it's a lie
Maybe it will be true someday

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Measure Up

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten all of that...
They constantly comment on my weight
Thinking about it, crying about it
Makes me hungry

The sight of food
Makes me sick inside
I want to stop eating entirely
Though, nothing changes

My image in the mirror
How can this possibly be?
What can I do?
Stand and stare at the scale

Loathing what I see
He thinks me hideous
Drawing slim figures of fashion
I wish I could fit that tiny mold

Untouched food remains on the plate
Nothing for me tonight
I need to be beautiful
The need to be less than what I am

Who am I doing this for?
Certainly not me
I don't understand
Why can't he see me, for me?

Friday, June 8, 2012

42-45: A Life-A Death

I've Been Called...

My feet hit the concrete.
There's the sound of an engine.
We all know this sound...
I have to slow down...
There's still a curfew in place.

The sound of the engine is closer now...
Holding my breath...
Against the darkness of night...
From the silence, comes banging of fists on a door...
Voices shouting... carrying into the night.

Öffnen Sie! Öffnen Sie!
Öffnen Sie! Öffnen Sie!
Gestapo.
Chaos ensues...
Gunshots... and footsteps...

An Undisclosed Location...

I never realized... the extravagance of a bed below a hidden room...
I never realized... the weight of grief... my freedom, a privilege, an inner anguish...
Quietly enduring the moments passing.
There's no time for feelings...
Silent and still as stone.

Outside, someone is there...
They are coming closer, listening near the door.
They are very curious now...
They wonder what those sounds were...
They think I'm here...

They will tell.
They will be rewarded for their service.
I don't understand.
Don't they realize...
I'm human too.

Heavy footsteps, and loud voices shouting at me.
I belong to them now.
I'm so scared. What will become of me?
All I have are the rumors.
Disappearance... death... the unknown.

Arbeit Macht Frei...

Train cars on the platform.
Men and women, separated.
Is this begining of my demise?
I'm naked and running now...
A strange sort of selection...

These lines... I'm still naked, I'm cold...
Left, right, right, left.
Which way does my card state to proceed?
Right, selected.
But... what becomes of the left?

Those left behind...
I watch as they are lead away.
Women crying... their children ripped from their arms.
Where are they going?

I have no time to think.
The pain of ink in my arm is still fresh.
I no longer have a name, only a number, we are all numbers now.
It's hard to believe there was ever "a before" all this...
Or that there will be an after, or that there be anyone left.

My New Life...

Five of us to one small bunk...
We still feel little warmth.
Each of us are alone...
Fighting against chance... to last the night.
Even one more hour.

I dream of clean smelling sheets.
I dream of a real mattress.
Waking with the sun on my face...
Turning and going back to sleep in that sunlight.
Alas, that's only a dream...

The hours in the mud, struggling to stay upright.
Keeping a tight hold of the cup for my soup.
Otherwise, I might not eat again.
I can not feel sorrow for woman beside me.
I'm too busy making sure that I'm not next...

Looking through that fence, I haven't the strength to climb.
Smelling the acrid smoke, feeling the ash on my face... in my hair...
I am bald... I am lice ridden... I am less than a woman now.
I am but a burden, carrying their hate...
I long not to feel that shame.

I bleed from a thousand and one wounds.
My stomach is contorted with absolute hunger.
My eyes are haggard.
I moan as though insane.
Vicious dogs snap at my fleshless ankles.

Block 20...

I'm still alive...
But I can't be sure.
I must be ill, because I'm in a lying down...
But, I am confused, we never lie down.
There is no such thing as rest.

I feel hot and my head aches.
My whole body hurts.
These are just words...
Bone grinding against bone.
There are no words for pain like this.

I should be carrying rocks up the quarry.
If the woman in front of me falters, I will fall.
They always wait until one of us is on the very last step.
Already thinking of putting down her current bit of punishment.
Laughing, kicking one of us, we all fall like dominoes.

That's all I remember, falling down.
I felt my battered body quiver and bounce.
I feel the other bodies land on me.
Bony body, on top of bony body.
My bones crunch under the heavy weight.

These women delight in our suffering as they laugh.
I can't breathe, I'm suffocating.
Only pain let's me know I'm still alive.
I need to get up and walk...
If not, I will be piled up with the rest of the dead.

Dreaming of Escape...

I can see my home...
I feel the green grass beneath my feet.
I am no longer cold... because I feel the bright summer sun.
I smell the fresh air...
It's something I thought I had lost, I had forgotten.

It's a lie...
I'm still here.
I just want to go home.
Where is my family? Are they okay?
I just want to hug my mother.

Each day a part of me dies.
I allow it to die to survive.
I stand... I work... I sleep...
Very soon they will come for me.
When they come I must stand up and work, or I will die.

It's quiet now.
I've seen no one.
I understand little of what's happening.
I wonder, is there a God.
I'm so tired... it's so hard to focus.

Perhaps I am dying...
Everyone dies here, they have no choice.
It is now my turn...
Honestly, I'm relieved.
Because my work is finally finished.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Matrimonial Molestation

I felt devastatingly hollow after
I had absolutely no pride after
Why did you do it again?
I should have told you no...
I should have told you to stop...

I wish I had the strength
To see this through
Charges, I should have pressed
You've transformed my life
My faith in others demolished

"If you had been a better wife, it wouldn't have happened!"
How dare you?
"I was just trying to be intimate."
How dare you?
"It wasn't rape. I talked to a police friend."
How dare you?
How often do you have to repeat these words to yourself,
Before you believe your own lie?

During my nightmares... you're hurting me still
I can only hope you never will
You think you got away with it
Just like the girl previously
Why am I the one left with this secret shame?

No more... you just wait
I'm on the mend
This shouldn't occur again
Soon you will learn why
You should never have fucked with me!

Over 700,000 forcible rapes, and sexual assaults occur every year, which equals over 60,000 per month, 2,000 per day, 100 per hour, and 2.5 per minute...

There are thousands of women in our country that carry a deep dark burden of secret shame. It has a name-spousal rape. Many women are unaware that what they endure, often multiple times a day, is in fact a crime. Even those that know what it is, won't report it because of the difficulties in being taken seriously, and often the threat of losing their homes, children and maybe their lives, preclude reporting it. Instead they may diffidently at first broach the subject with other women, or joke about their husbands always wanting "it" It isn't a joke. No means no. A woman has the right to say no and have that respected.

Rape is not about wanting or love or passion, it is about control. Rapists dehumanize their victims, and spouses can be more savage than the better known type of rapist. What type of man rapes his wife? What makes him tick? First and foremost these men are very egocentric. Their needs and wants are the most important thing in the world to them. When made uncomfortable by denial of any sort, they tend to overreact by shouting, punching walls or-raping. They consider marriage an automatic entitlement to sex on demand. Always on their terms of course.

There are several different ways a man may abuse his wife's body. If she is tired or ill, he may wait until she is asleep and simply take what he feels he deserves to take. Or he may bully, harass and demean his wife into giving in, threatening her with seeking "it" elsewhere. He can use tactics such as debasing her self-esteem, telling her she is little more than an appliance to him, or worse. These men are not only extremely dysfunctional and selfish, they can be dangerous. When angered beyond reason, they may in fact, rape their wives as brutally as anyone sitting in prison for the same crime.The badly torn and bleeding wife may ask her husband why, and be told "you know damned well all women secretly want to be raped" With her pride and body in tatters, there is little else she can do but try and hide her wounds from family and friends, and pray each night it won't happen again. But it does-after the first assault, it may be months, but it will happen again sooner or later and it WILL NOT stop, until you do something about it.

If you are a victim of spousal rape tell someone, anyone you truly trust. Talking about it is the first step to recovering your instincts for self preservation and pride. I was amazed at the number of women I personally know, who have undergone spousal rape, even if only once. So you are not alone, nor are you strange or need to feel any shame. That trophy belongs to the coward who did this to you.

Realize, and teach your children that bodily "rights to privacy" must be respected. Marriage doesn't grant anyone the right to assault your body against your will-ever. If your spouse is reasonable in other areas you can try to educate him through books, counseling or the clever use of peer pressure. A few nights of card parties, where subjects like this can be discussed generally, might cause him to see himself in full living color. If this fails, or he tries the guilt tactic of what am I supposed to do with this discomfort? Offer him the bathroom. Easing his sexual discomfort is not your primary role, nor your problem.

Marriage is supposed to be a considerate and loving partnership of equals. It is not designed to give a male an auto-erotic thrill by using a wife as a receptacle for his sperm. If you get hurt repeatedly by your spouse, you must find help. Check my links to organizations that can offer you support, guidance, counseling and more. Until we stand up and say no more to this secret shame, women every day somewhere in this country will be hurt by the man they married, and even dying. Remember that you are a unique, precious and lovable individual in your own right. You have every right to demand that you and your body are to be treated with the respect they deserve. Until you do, nothing will change, and we'll continue to hide our secret shame.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Nameless Road

Flowering mist marvel
Charming nameless road
A spring dawn

Along here road
Goes not one
This midsummer noontide

By desolate road
A lonely breeze
Into autumn dusk

Not one voice
Braves this road
On winter’s night

Weary she navigates
The intricate road
The nameless road

Enduring seasons on
This desolate road
Trudging without recourse

An insurmountable distance
That elusive coordinate
Sunlight salutes road

She is abandoned
Going nowhere on
That nameless road