Oh my fucking zombie apocalypse...

"David the Gnome" style, that is...

Something bad has happened in my garden. The once happy little garden gnomes have been infected by a strange virus which has turned them into flesh eating monsters. There are only a few survivors left who are desperately trying to stay alive.

David, one of the last non-infected, has met up with patient zero and his half-eaten minion, Legless Larry. There is no escape. David must fight these two zombies to find his wife Lisa and their child. It will be an epic battle of brute strength. Hopefully David will survive in the end.

This is a sorry sight indeed. A poor helpless Lawn Flamingo has been taken down by zombie gnomes: Nose-less Ned, Greedy Gary, and Barfing Bartolomeu. It seems like an unlikely kill until Bartholomeo broke the elegant beast's leg and brought it crashing to the ground. Where they pounced upon their helpless victim and began their feast. So we say "Bye Bye Birdie, I'm going to miss you so, Bye Bye Birdie, Why'd you have to go?"

 

While many have fled from the zombie gnomes, Fearless Fred has stood courageous...Well that's what he says anyway... From what I can see, he's just climbing that wheel screaming his soon to be bloody head off...

Missy and her husband Butch have been stalking the garden all day looking for their romantic meal. Sadly, foolish Ardy went to go pick some flowers for his girlfriend and was taken down by the deadly couple. Poor Ardy, his intestines have become a delicious meal for the Zombie couple.

Doom, fear, and panic. That is the best way to describe how the surviving garden gnomes are feeling. Doomsday Dan proclaims his surrender in despair. While Fearless Fred bravely climbs a flower pot to save his life. Meanwhile, Nathaniel nervously hides behind a cluster of mushrooms. Life is hard for the garden gnomes now.

Lisa and her son Harold, some of the last surviving garden gnomes, have just met up with the crazed flesh eater Gertrude Guts and her mother Pinwheel Penny. Lisa and Harold must fight off these horrifying zombie gnomes to get back to David. This will indeed be an epic battle to the end. Hopefully they will survive and reunite with David.

OH NO! What a horrible sight! There are body parts all over the fucking place! Intestines... a half eaten Pink Lawn Flamingo head... a decapitated foot... a zombie gnome hand reaching out of the ground... and another zombie gnome hand that looks like it's still alive! Oh my God, what in the holy fuck is going on?!

Gassy Gertrude had always been a big eater, but no one would have expected that her appetite would turn towards the flesh and guts of her other fellow gnomes. On the day she was turned she was visiting another gnome, for whom she had fallen madly in love with. Sadly he did not share the same feelings, and told her so. She was so upset she ran home crying and ran into her newly turned zombie mother, who bit her face, thus turning poor hurt Gertrude into a zombie gnome. Zombie Gertrude then went back to the gnome that rejected her and ate him.

This is Lisa and her son Harold. She and her son were separated from David at the beginning of the zombie apocalypse when David went on a trip to visit a friend. Lisa and Harold fled their home when they were attacked by a hoard of zombie gnomes and have been on the run since. They have been desperately trying to find David, hoping and praying that he hadn't turned into one of the infected. Lisa carries a blunderbuss while Harold carries his trusty pop gun, and just in case, Lisa also carries her rolling pin. Together they give 360 degrees of firepower.

On the day of the zombie apocalypse, Nathaniel was on his way to work. When he opened the door, he found his mentor Sniffy the Smithy on the floor with his eye gouged out. Suddenly, Sniffy sat up, palled and green with an expression of hunger. Nathaniel quickly ran away to hide behind a cluster of mushrooms. With his trusty hammer in hand, hopefully he will survive the disaster.

Doomsday Dan, formerly called Dandy Dan, was once a happy 'Welcome' gnome, but then the gnome world went to shit and so did his attitude. But he should have known the zombie apocalypse would come eventually , the Aztecs predicted it long ago and God knows he's was alive then.

David, Lisa, and Harold are together now, and better than ever. After fighting hoards of zombie gnomes, they finally found each other.

FINALLY, Some government spending I can really support!

I just read a "zombie apocalypse" article published by the CDC... yes folks, at long last, the CDC gets serious about the impending zombie apocalypse.

Here is the article in it's entirety.

"There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

A Brief History of Zombies
We’ve all seen at least one movie about flesh-eating zombies taking over (my personal favorite is Resident EvilExternal Web Site Icon.), but where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much? The word zombie comes from Haitian and New Orleans voodoo origins. Although its meaning has changed slightly over the years, it refers to a human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead. Through ancient voodoo and folk-lore traditions, shows like the Walking Dead were born.

In movies, shows, and literature, zombies are often depicted as being created by an infectious virus, which is passed on via bites and contact with bodily fluids. Harvard psychiatrist Steven Schlozman wrote a (fictional) medical paper on the zombies presented in Night of the Living DeadExternal Web Site Icon. and refers to the condition as Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome caused by an infectious agent. The Zombie Survival GuideExternal Web Site Icon. identifies the cause of zombies as a virus called solanum. Other zombie origins shown in films include radiation from a destroyed NASAExternal Web Site Icon. VenusExternal Web Site Icon. probe (as in Night of the Living DeadExternal Web Site Icon.), as well as mutations of existing conditions such as prionsExternal Web Site Icon., mad-cow diseaseExternal Web Site Icon., measlesExternal Web Site Icon. and rabiesExternal Web Site Icon..

The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder “How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?”

Well, we’re here to answer that question for you, and hopefully share a few tips about preparing for real emergencies too!

Better Safe than Sorry

So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.

    * Water (1 gallon per person per day)
    * Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
    * Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
    * Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
    * Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
    * Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
    * Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
    * First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

Once you’ve made your emergency kit, you should sit down with your family and come up with an emergency plan. This includes where you would go and who you would call if zombies started appearing outside your door step. You can also implement this plan if there is a flood, earthquake, or other emergency.

   1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.
   2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
   3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.
   4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work)."
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Right off the bat, I have two issues with this article. First off... “human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead” I’m not entirely sure that I trust someone who doesn’t do all their research. Then again, the good people at the CDC aren't paid to keep up on zombie folklore, classic (Romero), or modern zombies. Only the Return of the Living Dead (John A Russo’s breed) eat brains. Secondly, I have to point out that Selenium is an element in the periodic table and Solanum is the zombie virus. Regardless, overall, the article is strong in it's subject.

Now, to those that would criticize me for posting this article, possibly stating that “this is a waste of tax dollars” I can only say that you, yourself are a waste of tax dollars with your incredible idiocy. Articles like this draw attention from a generation that would otherwise ignore messages like this to consider emergency preparedness for any disaster. While this article is somewhat light-hearted (Seriously though, hats off to the CDC for having a sense of humor on an otherwise important subject. It’s good to know bureaucrats in DC aren’t all walking around like a bunch of…well…zombies. You just made government cool again. Applause for having the courage to actually do something creative to draw interest to an important subject, disaster preparedness. Well Done! My favorite Zombie survival tip from Max Brooks – First ascend the staircase, then destroy it.), it draws proper attention by a demographic that would not normally think of such preparedness techniques. I certainly hope those making statements like this are purely trolls sent over by Fox News as otherwise, you are imbeciles. An article on preparedness without the word zombie would not attract the public eye as much as one that would.

And to those who would point out that the writer left out weapons as part of the prep kit, let's talk about that for a moment. Weapons over essentials, it does not matter if you have a gun to fire or bat to swing if you don’t have the strength to lift them due to muscle fatigue from dehydration or starvation. In a zombie-like scenario, bunkering is the best strategy for the common person to survive given an adequate stash of supplies. Obviously, the standard, non-couponing household will have a limited supply of up to a month (not considering fresh water) but a much longer supply is needed to allow for basic zombie degradation (depending on region and population density). Weapons are more likely needed against pillaging neighbors than from unwanted advances by the undead.

In closing, if you would like to read an excellent book about disaster preparation on a whole, and zombies, click here, for The Zombie Survival Guide, written by Max Brooks, it's about as in depth as you can get!

Best Wedding Pictures Ever

Of course you need to click on the picture (twice actually, once to load it in a new page, then once again to see it at full size) to see the full version. Go ahead... click on it... what are you waiting for?

Trapped Dead: A Review

A real zombie apocalypse would be less painful. Slaughtering zombies should never get old. One of the last groups still politically correct to massacre, there's something pleasing about defending humanity from a horde of the undead. Unfortunately, the more you progress in Trapped Dead, the more you'll be rooting for the zombies.

The game's visuals and art style are where the positive experiences of the game ends. The controls are very slow and sometimes unresponsive, and even when they are responsive the in-game actions are just as slow. Many reviews spoke of bugs but I didn't get the chance to encounter any because the ultra slow controls made game play almost impossible.

For the life of me, I can not understand how it recieved the "German Game Developer Award", as "Best Action Game 2010".

Trapped Dead however fails in providing entertaining gameplay. I write this review to hopefully prevent anyone else from being convinced that the game is worth the cost to at least give it a try. As an avid zombie fan and a fan of tactical gameplay, I urge you to avoid spending time and money ($9.99 on Steam) on Trapped Dead.…

Holy Zombie Apocalypse Batman!

While talking to a friend yesterday about Zombie Apocalypse scenarios he linked me to this site. Intrigued, I clicked on it, and I wasn't disappointed...

It's a contest to create the best defensive shelter to survive a Zombie Apocalypse, and it's sponsored by none other than acclaimed Zombie author, Max Brooks. Now this is something that I would love to do. I don't have much time this year for a really thought provoking submission, as the deadline is next month, but I can play around with some ideas, and submit something, and then have the rest of the year to work on a killer project for next year's contest.

Here is the winner of last years contest, I have to say, and don't get me wrong, it's pretty innovative, though I am sure with a year to really think about it, my submission for next year is going to be better.